EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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