I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I smell stomach acid.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
