It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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