i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is Oprah even human
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
