I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
