Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
