The maid of honor just puked.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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