just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
