John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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