I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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