I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
