Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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