I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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