Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just blew my weed a kiss
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
