Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
