I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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