i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
