i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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