Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
