You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
