Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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