How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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