I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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