I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
