saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
