Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
