Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
