We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize