grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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