i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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