You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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