Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
