I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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