i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I am available for nakedness
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