i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
