I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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