My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize