I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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