I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
