I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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