seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
