this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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