Kiss
Puke
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
