i'm signing you up for texting rehab
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
