Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
