okay pat passed out under dana's car
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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