Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
