I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
