remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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