so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
