i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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