A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
