Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
