The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
