I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
