Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
