She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
