Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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